Monkey Bread

I can’t help but feel like my family is falling apart. My mother was the glue. We lost her in 2014. I was incarcerated when she passed. I often tell my wife that I didn’t get the chance to truly mourn my mothers passing. I still find myself looking for her when I’m out. I know shes gone but it doesn’t feel like it. Its so hard always wanting my mother and never being able to hear her voice of feel her touch. She was my best friend. Even when I was fugging up she still stood by my side and always had my back. Now it seems like all of that is going down the drain. I can barely get my brother to answer the phone. Its so sad honestly. Last December I fell asleep behind the wheel of my car. I tried calling my brother multiple times with no answer. This was a very difficult thing for me. Of course he had some lame ass excuse for why he didn’t answer the phone. He says “Your number isn’t saved in my phone so I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize.” Excuses on top of excuses. If the shoe was on the other foot I’d be the worst brother on the planet. That’s the worst part of being a little brother. No matter how much evidence you have, people and parents will always say its not like that. I’ve lived in my older brothers shadow my entire life and at times I still feel like I’m in the same position. I understand that he and I are two different people and that we chose two separate paths but still I find myself comparing myself to him or people do in conversation. I am working on not letting it effect me as much as it does. One day at a time but at the rate of things I doubt I will have the chance to show him and others that I am my own man and that I am talented and smart too. Since my Mom passed my family has grown farther and farther apart. All I want is for us to do things as a family but I feel that it is an annoying concept to my father, and my brother just can’t stop for a minute to make time for his family. My mother held all of us together. Even with our extended family, she was the one who made sure we went there on holidays. Since she’s been gone all of that went out the window. I try to stay in touch with my Aunt but she has a lot going on and I know its difficult for her to call. I shouldn’t make excuses for people I know. Which is why I try not to let it bother me when people don’t reach out the way I try to. Fugg it. If they don’t want to be a part of my life then I have to move on. I can’t lie its difficult but it is a must. I just know that when I reach my destination they will all come around trying to be friendly. Ion have time. For now I will watch the monkey bread fall apart and hope that it doesn’t separate to quickly.