Recovery and Discovery. Honestly I have been on a life long search for RECOVERY. My life hasn’t been filled with turmoil but I have had my fair share of curveballs and dark days. I would have found massive benefit in what I have learned in recovery if I had been willing to listen years ago. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. I have never really known what I enjoy other than music. I honestly always did what I thought would get me friends, or acted in a way I thought would make people laugh and like me. That is how I lived the majority of my young manhood. Trying so hard to be someone or something other than myself. Only letting a few people see what I considered the true me. I didn’t realize this until I went to treatment. My stage name was the perfect wall to protect my true self from being seen. I could use NOVA and become a completely different person. Music was the only thing that remained true. Not just in reality but to me as well. I truly love music but my need for acceptance, lack of self-love and absence of identity caused me to manipulate people, places and things. I would pretend to be interested in whatever my “friends” were interested in. I would try to think about what people wanted to hear when I was writing instead of writing what I felt. As this continued I wasn’t aware of the void I was creating. When I started using opiates the growth rate doubled. I was determined to consume myself in emptiness. My truth and purpose are both new found possessions. I have always taken pride in being outside the box. I didn’t realize until I started this journey of RE(dis)COVERY that I am not different but I am HUMAN. It is normal for me to want people to like me. But I shouldn’t have to hide who I am in order for that to happen. Someone’s opinion should never stop me from doing something I love or making something I’m passionate about but I was so comfortable living a life of deception that I began deceiving myself. Saying things like “Heroin and other opiates help my mental health. I can stop taking my mental health meds and just use heroin in small doses to control my anxiety.” Lying to myself every time I used. Playing Russian Roulette with every drug deal. Completely comfortable with the misery that was my existence. Constant self-inflicted suffering. It wasn’t until I truly gave up and admitted defeat. That is when I began to grow. When I realized MY RECOVERY IS MY RESPONSIBILITY and that IF I WANT LIFE TO CHANGE I MUST MAKE LIFE CHANGES. That is when things really started to turn around. No, it is not perfect. It never will be because that is impossible. But it is progress and progress brings success.
No matter how many curveballs life throws. No matter how many speed bumps show up. No matter if you have to move a centimeter at a time. YOU MUST KEEP GOING!!!!
Transformed By Truth 