I have been struggling with accountability. I want to stick to my routine yet I find myself stuck in the old habit of procrastination. I’m not sure how I can break this cycle but I definitely need too. I have been trying to remember to write in my journal. I just can’t wait to get out the hotel. I am tired of being here. It seems like I am getting horrible sleep. I slept okay last night. I was able to stick to my routine this morning. I woke up at 0530 and when I got back from the clinic I watched YouTube for a little bit. Then I meditated. When I was heading back to the room I had a really intense craving. It was random. Nothing triggered it. There was no reason for it. It just happened. It was really overwhelming too. I’m talking. Skin crawling. Instant sweat. I tasted dope. I felt the weapon in my nostril. It was insane. I was with my Pop and I didn’t say anything but I’m glad I was with him. I know that he will not make any stops that aren’t on our itinerary. This is the reason I try to surround myself with people in recovery or people that support me in my recovery. I have been working on some new music!!!! I am hella stoked about that honestly!! It’s been a long time since I have been able to write music, or create in general, without some type of mind or mood altering chemical. I find myself able to be completely honest in what I write now. For so long I was trying to hide the fact I had relapsed. I wouldn’t write. There was no way I could put out content preaching positivity when I didn’t want to live anymore. I felt like a hypocrite any time I tried to express myself. It took me a while to realize that what I went through in my past is in my past. I can use what I have been through as inspiration. My past doesn’t define my future. As long as I am doing right. I’m happy. My wife and boys are happy. I’m good. I know that I can do whatever I want. The only person in my way is me!!!! I have spent entirely too long doubting myself. I never truly believed in myself. But I know I am great. There are so many things I can do when I get out of my way and live life on life’s terms. Jehovah has it all planned. Every day I learn to put faith in my Higher Power more and more. I have been trying to force my will on my life for years and it led me literally nowhere. God loves me. No harm will come to me that isn’t self inflicted. I put energy into what I prioritize. It is up to me to stop procrastinating and hold myself accountable for not following through on things that are beneficial. If I can find time to scroll on Instagram or YouTube. Then I can find time to meditate and write in my journal or on WordPress. Every day I say I want to be more active on the socials. That is on me. I prioritize what is important to me. I have been struggling to remain accountable. I have been going to meetings every day but I am still not consistently doing the things I truly want to do. That is where I want to be. I am going to practice time optimization every day. No more excuses. I know the only way I can get what I want out of MY LIFE is to work every day toward the goal I want to achieve. Persistence is the key to success.
Where I end up is the accumulation of the steps I take in the direction I want to go. How long it takes to reach my destination depends on the route I take. Everything begins and ends with me. I can only reach my destination by taking the steps necessary to get there.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from the disease of addiction please reach out!!!! There is a group of great people who would love to help EVERYONE find a new way of life!!!!
Many of us have said:
Take my will and my life. Guide me in my recovery. Show me how to live!!!!
God,
Grant me the serenity. To accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Transformed By Truth 